The Family Dinner
You’re curious about your children: You ask, “How was your day?”
Their response: “Good”
And that’s where the conversation ends because it’s a closed question that leads to a closed answer. And it’s too broad. It’s a judgment of the entire day. Think about it now for you: How’s your day going? What’s your immediate response?
What to do instead?
When my children were growing up, our dinner table was a magical place where laughter, tears, and life lessons intertwined. Every night, one of our kids took on the role of the moderator, leading us through a series of questions that opened up our hearts and minds.
What’s the best thing that happened to you today?
We started with the best thing that happened to each of us that day. It was a beautiful moment of celebration, as we shared our joys and triumphs, no matter how big or small. From a good grade at school to a simple act of kindness, we relished in the positivity and gratitude that filled the room.
What’s the worst thing that happened to you today?
But life isn't always rainbows and butterflies, so we also made space for the worst thing that happened. It was a chance to vent, to express our frustrations, and to lend a listening ear to one another. Through these moments of vulnerability, we learned to support and empathize with each other, finding strength in unity.
What made you laugh today?
Laughter was the glue that held us together, and we made sure to ask what made us laugh that day. Oh, the stories and jokes we shared! From silly mishaps to hilarious anecdotes, our dinner table echoed with contagious giggles and wide smiles. Those moments of shared laughter cemented our bonds, reminding us of the power of joy and levity in our lives.
What made you cry today?
We couldn't shy away from the tears either. We encouraged each other to talk about what made us cry or feel sad. It wasn't always easy, but it allowed us to be vulnerable and open, to lean on each other during difficult times. Those moments of shared sadness became opportunities for healing, understanding, and unconditional support. Quite often, there were no tears in the day and that was something to recognize and
What did you learn today?
Learning was a value we cherished, so we asked what we had learned that day. It could be something as simple as a fascinating fact or a profound realization. Our dinner conversations became a treasure trove of knowledge, sparking curiosity and intellectual growth in all of us. We discovered that learning was not confined to the walls of a classroom but happened every day, in every experience.
What is your favorite memory from today?
And finally, we indulged in the question that warmed our hearts: our favorite memory of the day. It was a chance to reminisce, to savor the beautiful moments that might otherwise be overlooked. From a warm hug to a heartfelt conversation, we celebrated the beauty in the ordinary and found gratitude in the everyday.
Communication is the Key to Connection and Mutual Support
One of the most important purposes of the family discussions was to teach my children that communicating anything - good and bad - was always welcomed by us all. As they grew into adulthood, that communication grew and my kids are very open both with me and with their siblings. The support system we have today is priceless and it started by simply asking questions and listening to the answers.
These questions transformed our dinner table into a sacred space, where we connected on a deep level and cultivated a bond that can never be broken. They taught us the value of empathy, the power of laughter, the strength in vulnerability, and the joy of shared experiences. As our children have grown and embarked on their own journeys, these conversations remain a cherished part of our family's legacy.
So, my friend, as you gather around your own dinner table, consider embracing these questions:
· What was the best thing that happened to you today?
· What was the worst thing that happened to you today?
· What made you laugh today?
· What made you cry/sad today?
· What is something you learned today?
· What is your favorite memory of the day?
Let the questions guide your family conversation through moments of reflection, connection, and growth. They may just become the threads that weave an unbreakable tapestry of love, understanding, and togetherness, binding your family's hearts for years to come.
GETTING PAST SURVIVOR PERSPECTIVE
Shutdown of Communication
One of the biggest fallouts from sexual abuse is the shutdown of communication. We’re either told directly to keep our mouths shut or it’s implied through off-handed comments, body language, etc., to never let it out. When I was 7 after being raped the first time, I learned very clearly and very strongly to keep things to myself. As the sexual abuse progressed and the bullying started, I buried my communication into shame and internalized, “What’s wrong with me?” “What have I done wrong?” “I hope nobody catches me.” - as if I was the one who committed the offenses.
Shame and Guilt Constrict Communication
I know that the things about myself that I kept most from my family were shameful and left me guilt-ridden, especially when I finally got caught: wetting my bed, sucking my thumb, not doing my homework, cutting school, getting bad grades, being bullied, and being sexually abused. That’s a lot of shame.
And as I grew older, I continued to keep things from my parents, especially my fears about money, my love life, my career, my success, and my relationships. I was carrying everyone’s else’s guilt and shame myself with very little knowledge of how to actually carry it. And never knowing that it wasn’t mine in the first place. But I did know how keep it to myself.
If I had been able to communicate about the rape, the CSA, and the bullying, and it was received with love and care, it’s very likely that all of the behaviors would have reversed or never happened. But because communication from verbal perspective was never an option, my very young brain had no other choice but to the only things it knew. In fairness to my brain, I was communicating through my behaviors, but nobody was aware to pick up on them. And so I developed perceptions about myself as being true. I was lazy, dumb, undependable, etc., and mostly: People are scary and they have the ultimate decision and control over my life.
Creating Open Channels of Communication
I don’t recall ever thinking, “Hey, I need to tell someone about this.” Fact is, people don’t talk about sex. It’s either taboo or “none of your business” and so sexual abuse falls into the same “Keep it to yourself” response.
But so does just about everything we experience that is uncomfortable for ourselves and others. If we struggle to understand something that clearly everyone else in the class is understanding, we internalize, “What’s wrong with me.” A teacher may feel incompetent for not being able to convey the material in a way that the student can learn and so they communicate, “What’s wrong with YOU” for not understanding.
It doesn’t need to be something horrible like sexual abuse or bullying for the brain to label bad things about ourselves.
It Starts at Home
By starting the communication early with my kids, I was striving to create relationships with them that allowed for any communication to come through. When I was pregnant, I felt determined to create an open channel of communication with my kids. I didn’t know it then but I was building the communication in all of the unconscious channels:
-> the visual (what we see in someone’s body language is our strongest communication channel)
-> the auditory (feeling free to express whatever they need to - good or bad, light or heavy)
-> the kinesthetic (feelings go hand in hand with body language - it’s our own body communicating with us).
I communicated with my kids from the moment they were born about their bodies, especially from the perspective of personal boundaries and safety. It was a natural thing to talk about because I made it a natural topic for them. I think because I was communicating about the taboo subject of body, intimacy, etc., that opened up the communication about anything. And it worked, While family dinners were mostly pretty generic, subjects of bullying, friends being mean, struggles in school, and fears came up. We embraced everything with care, listening with empathy and that allowed us as a family to continue being receptive to anything they want to talk about. Conversations started in privacy about things bothering them. They spoke, I listened. To everything.
We need to be open to listen to EVERYTHING, not just what we want to hear.
And that’s the key - you have to be open to hearing EVERYTHING, otherwise your children, and other people in your life, are going to learn very quickly to either keep it from you or suppress it within themselves completely.
When we are unable to listen, it’s coming from within. Our unconscious mind can’t go down that path for reasons it’s learned along the way. Your experiences teach your brain what it can and cannot do. But, that’s not permanently ingrained if you don’t want it to be. If you’re willing to learn what your mind is doing and why it’s doing it, you’re in the best position to teach it something new.
In my journey of Getting Past Survivor, I was able to have many very in-depth conversations with my mom when she was in her 80s. (I missed the opportunity to talk with my dad before he passed, but I think he truly knew my heart from a letter he had written.) Over several conversations, my mom and I cried, and laughed, and consoled each other, each sharing our perspective on what had transpired over the 55 years of my life to that point. My communication with her was heart-wrenching but also so amazingly healing for both of us.
I never wanted to have to go through that late life communication with my own kids. I never wanted them to ever feel that what they needed to share wasn’t relevant or accepted. My kids are in their 20s and they’ve all shared very personal things with me… and with each other. Not only did I develop a bond between me and them, I created a bond between them and their siblings. To me, that’s the greatest gift I could ever give them.
The love of each other.
And it all started with communication.
